Coming Home, But Not Coming Back

Last month, I moved back to my home after spending 3 whole years in a hostel. At first, it felt like hell. All the freedoms are gone in seconds! A few things hit me so hard that I took a lot of time to recover. But after all these days, I can now also see the bright side of this decision. It's difficult to adjust to the same place you called yours after that period of time when it was just a Holiday home and nothing was like it was before.

It was a Transition. Bcoz the freedom I am talking about is not just physical. It's mental freedom, the decision-making stuff, the choosing stuff, the doing this thing at that time stuff, and the not doing stuff! Indeed my most fucked sleep cycle is fixed and I am SOOO Happy about it. A hostelite just dreams about sleeping at 10pm, but that never happens.... That particular habit of watching reels before sleeping is gone! It's vanished! I was like omg... I have discovered new things about my own life! That was something fantastic.

Not thinking about what to eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner is also a kind of luxury. I realised. Listening to Spotify to feel less lonely isn't needed, because there are people. Your people. We talk to them. On the dining table, in the hall, on the stairs.... There is the presence of an emotion of belonging.

But then the question sweeps into your mind, whether I really belong here? I had this same question about staying in a different city too... I did not belong there as well.... Where do I belong?

I questioned myself...

I had this thing in my mind, " once you go home, everything will be fixed. Life will be sorted and settled." However, that never happens. Life is never settled. Neither sorted.

It is just like that.

A few new dimensions came to my senses. I was put into the same cage which I dreamt of breaking and flying 3 years ago. But I don't hate it as much today as I did back then... Or maybe I never hated it. The place, the people... What I hated were the thoughts, the traditions, the ropes, the boundaries.

The best part about living outside your home is, you understand why those ropes were put around your legs in the first place. It was the need of this cruel world.

And now

Well, I don't feel it was completely wrong......

[Apparently, this is called Unlearning Freedom]

-aditi

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